Worst Year Ever
by Catherine Butterfield
(A Man and Woman approach their car. The Woman takes a ticket off her windshield.)
WOMAN A ticket! God damn it. I’m telling you, I’m so over 2016.
MAN So over it.
WOMAN I mean please, what a year!
MAN I know.
WOMAN I mean Brexit?
MAN And Prince.
WOMAN David Bowie? And that gorilla they shot in the zoo? He wasn’t even doing anything.
MAN Terrible. Zika.
WOMAN Oh my God, the Zika virus. And Snape.
MAN Snape? From the Harry Potter movies? I loved that guy!
WOMAN Mohammed Ali. Mary Tyler Moore. Gary Marshall.
MAN Police shootings. Record hot temperatures.
WOMAN The Paris attacks. Istanbul. London. Nice.
MAN Orlando. Munich. Brussels.
WOMAN Kanye announces he’s going to record David Bowie covers.
MAN He did not.
WOMAN He did.
MAN Worst year ever.
WOMAN Justin Bieber punched that fan.
MAN Was that really terrible news, or—
WOMAN Fans can be very aggressive.
MAN Yeah, I guess.
WOMAN Glenn Frey. Leonard Cohen. John Glenn. Gene Wilder.
MAN Sports Authority closing all its stores.
WOMAN Not really tragic, but—
MAN Pokemon Go.
WOMAN Yeah, okay.
MAN It’s a terrible year. And it’s not even over.
WOMAN Two months left. Can’t believe it.
(A THIRD PERSON strolls on.)
THIRD PERSON I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation.
WOMAN Who are you?
THIRD PERSON I’m a passing historian, and I’d like to offer a ray of hope.
MAN Okay, what is it?
THIRD PERSON In 1348 the Black Death took hold in Europe. In the space of eighteen months, it killed at least a third of the population. It seemed like the end of the world was coming. Dogs tore at the bodies of the dead lying unburied in the streets.
WOMAN Ugh.
THIRD PERSON But it spurred one of the most golden of golden ages in history. Plague led to sharply reduced inequality, a spending boom, and a flowering of the arts. So you see, storms do sometimes give way to sunshine.
MAN Wow, thanks. That’s given us a little perspective.
THIRD PERSON You’re welcome. Have a nice day.
(The THIRD PERSON exits.)
WOMAN I’m glad he passed by. You never know when you’re going to be within earshot of a historian.
MAN I actually feel a lot better.
WOMAN Me too. So okay, bye-bye 2016. Glad you’re almost over. I for one am really looking forward to 2017.
MAN Yeah, bring it on, right? It’s bound to be better than this crap year. By the way, you headed to the polls?
WOMAN Nah. She’s got this, right?
MAN Totally.